Self Love Isn't Selfish (Especially When You Hold Everyone)

How do you feel when you hear the words self love, my love? Does something in you lean in, or does your jaw tighten a little?

Have a quick check right now. How's your jaw feeling? A little tight maybe?😉

If you're the one everyone leans on, self love can feel like a luxury you'll get to once everyone else is sorted (and somehow everyone else is NEVER sorted😅). Self love is actually one of the most generous things you can do, coz it's what lets you keep showing up for the people you love as the full, beautiful YOU. So let's talk about why self love isn't selfish, why it belongs right up near the top of your list, and a little practice that makes it SO much easier than you'd think💖

What's self love, really?

Self love's any act that inspires you, fills you up and feels like absolute bliss to your Soul. It's how you meet your own needs each day, physically, emotionally and energetically, so you've got something to give from instead of giving from whatever's left over at the end.

Everyone's got their own meaning for a word like this, and that's ok. For me it's about the moments that bring me back to my centre. A bath instead of a rushed shower. A beautiful nourishing meal instead of the quick caffeine hit (and you know how much I LOVE FOOD, so this one's never a hard sell for me😍😂). Five minutes on the back step with the sun on my face.

These little moments are your Soul asking you to stop and connect within, so you can come back to your centre and keep moving forward aligned with your True Essence✨

So why does it feel so selfish?

That guilty feeling usually comes from learning, somewhere along the way, that your worth's measured by how much you do for others. If you've spent years putting everyone else first, filling your own cup can set off a wave of guilt, coz part of you believes you'll be judged or you'll let someone down.

I've seen it over and over with my beautiful clients. The people who most need to fill themselves up are the ones who feel the worst about doing it. They're holding the family, the team, the friend in crisis and the group chat that never sleeps, and somewhere along the way their own needs slid right down to the bottom of the list.

So they talk themselves out of the bath they're craving coz there "isn't time". They grab the coffee coz the meal "takes too long". And from the outside it all looks like dedication.

Depletion dressed up as dedication

That emptiness is a sign of how much you've been holding, and how long you've been holding it for.

Sound familiar?

😩"I'm too tired to even think about what I need!"

And it doesn't stop there, does it?

• 😣 "Everyone else needs me more right now!"
• 😪 "I never have anything left once I'm done helping everyone else!"
• 😬 "If I stop for five minutes, the whole house falls apart!"
• 🙄 "I'll get to me later." (Spoiler: later never comes😂)

I feel you, my love😅 I spent years bending and folding and contorting to keep everyone around me happy, and carrying all of it, until my body couldn't carry any more.

Did you know that some of that heaviness was never yours to begin with? You read the room, you feel what everyone's feeling, and without meaning to you take it home with you. Add your own needs going unmet on top, and it's no wonder you snap, or slip into feeling like you do everything for everyone and no-one does anything for you🥴

The moments when you're exhausted and can't connect in a loving way are asking you to notice what you're holding that isn't yours, and which of your own needs haven't been met today.

Why self love needs to be a priority

Self love keeps your system clear and calm enough to live the way you'd love to. When you feel filled up you've got slack in your system, and that gives you room to be compassionate and present instead of reactive.

When you practise self love every day, you'll still have hard days. You'll feel the depletion less though, and you'll catch it sooner. That supports your nervous system to come out of those stressed states faster, so you can show up as more of yourself in your own life and in the lives of the people you love.

And knowing all this doesn't mean you have to do it all by yourself either. Letting someone else hold you counts as self love too🤗

How do I practise self love when I've got no time?

Your physical world desires are the clue. Every desire, like a bath or a cup of tea, has an energetic and emotional need sitting underneath it, and you can breathe that feeling in directly, even when the bath isn't happening right now.

My cup of tea

Some days I'll decide I really feel like a cup of tea. For me, a cup of tea means space to unwind for a moment, a moment to just be and to connect, whether that's with myself or with whoever I'm sharing it with.

So when I feel that pull, I know that energetically and emotionally I need time to step out of my head and out of doing. I need time to just be.

I don't always need the cup of tea to actually happen. I can fill up with that feeling of space and being right where I am, in the middle of whatever I'm doing😍 (Although let's be honest, I still LOVE the tea😂)

Have a play with this for a week. Every time you feel a strong pull towards a physical world desire, try this new way, and notice how you feel and how your conversations and your day flow.