Child Acting Out? What They Really Need From You

Maybe you were the kid acting out once, or maybe you're the grown-up standing in the kitchen right now with a tea towel in your hand, wondering what on Earth just happened to your sweet little angel😬

One minute everything's fine, and the next there are tears and yelling and someone's lying face down on the hallway floor (and some days it's not even the kid😂).

There are loads of reasons a child might start acting out, and the practical ones like being tired, hungry, growing or unwell are always worth checking first. Today I want to look at the emotional and energetic side though, coz that's where SO much of it lives.

😩"What's going ON with them? They were FINE this morning!"

Did you know that when your child's acting out, they're usually right in the middle of feelings they don't have the tools for yet? What they need most is to feel safe, loved, heard and supported, and to know they don't have to work it all out on their own. That asks something of you too, my love, so we'll look at both sides of it together🤗

Why is my child acting out all of a sudden?

A sudden change in behaviour often turns up when a child's moving through a transition, or meeting emotions and experiences they've never met before. They don't have the tools to work through it yet, so the feelings spill out as behaviour.

From the inside, it's like driving blind at high speed with nobody beside you to give directions. Or like the ground's fallen away under your feet and you're waiting for someone, anyone, to catch you.

Kids feel all of this SO intensely, and they're still learning what each feeling is and what it's trying to tell them. The best teaching we can give them is how we are with them in those moments, which is a big ask on a weeknight when dinner's burning and the dog's barking at nothing, I know😅

Whose storm is this?

Sensitive kids read energy too, and sometimes what your child's acting out was never theirs to begin with. They're reading the house, the classroom, the tension at the dinner table, and they're reading you. So before you go looking for what's wrong with them, it's worth asking whose storm this really is.

I know this one from the inside. As a little girl I could feel everyone's energy, and I knew exactly how to bend and fold and contort to keep the peace, soothing the upset ones and softening the loud ones, long before I had any words for what I was doing.

Think about the weeks when the grown-ups are stretched thin, money's tight or someone in the family's unwell. Little ones pick that up long before anyone says a word, and they don't have the words to tell you they're carrying it, so it comes out sideways at bath time instead🥴

When the behaviour comes out of nowhere, check in with the whole field around them, yours included (yep, I went there😉). Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is tend your own stuff, and then watch how quickly they settle once the air in the house changes.

You've been here too

You've absolutely been where your child is right now, beautiful Soul, and remembering it is one of the most helpful things you can do. Think of a time you were stressed and started snapping at everyone for no obvious reason, other than the reasons you made up to make it ok.

I feel you, my love😅 I've done that more times than I'd like to admit😂

In those moments it can feel like a storm's rolled in and taken over the whole house of you. You're overwhelmed and confused, and it spills out onto the people closest to you, coz they're the ones who are there.

So ask yourself, what did you need most in that moment? Maybe someone to say, "It's ok that you feel this way," and walk through it with you. Maybe you needed a bit of space, a cuppa and nobody asking you where their other shoe is.

What do kids with big emotions need from you?

Kids with big emotions, from toddlers mid-tantrum on the supermarket floor to teenagers slamming doors, need to feel safe, loved, supported and accepted. In those moments they often feel alone, scared and like nobody gets them, so your steadiness becomes the place they can land while the storm moves through.

That can look like:

• 💖 Letting them know you're there whenever they want to talk, even if that's at 10pm when you're halfway to bed
• 💖 Reminding them they're not alone and they don't have to process it all by themselves
• 💖 Telling them they can talk to you about anything, and making sure that's true when they do!
• 💖 Giving them space if that's what they need, while letting them know you're close by
• 💖 Witnessing them, coz sometimes we all need someone to be with us while we let go of the hurt and the confusion
• 💖 Coming back afterwards for a cuddle and a chat once everyone's breathing again

There's no script that fits every child (if there was, someone would've sold it to all of us by now😂). What matters is that you're willing to connect with what's actually going on for them.

Why do I get SO triggered when my child acts out?

Their big feelings brush up against your own old wounds. All of a sudden you're reacting from the hurt that's been stirred in you, and it gets SO much harder to see the little person standing in front of you.

This is so human, my love, and there's no shame in it at all. It's also the part that's yours to work with. Notice what's being stirred in you, so you can come back to it later and be with them now.

You don't have to have it all sorted first. Noticing it while it's happening is plenty to start with, and it gets easier every time you do it.

This is holding space, and it's leadership at home. Every time you come back to yourself first, you're showing your child what it looks like to feel something big and still be ok.

What if the same things keep setting me off?

When the same moments keep setting you off, there's likely an older layer in your field asking for your attention. Each time it's stirred, it's showing you what's ready to move, so you can meet your child from your own steadiness instead of from your old hurt.

You hold the space for everyone in your house, my love, and you deserve someone holding it for you while those layers unravel🤗